the response

Well this one should certainly be interesting…and long. but thats how i like them. [joke it up.]

I’m not in the mood to write…I suppose I should have written when i was in the mood, this morning. But I had to go to work. C’est La Vie.

I *thought* maybe i could escape a bit of drama this summer…i mean, this is New York City. Okay, I’m naive, but still…can’t i lose myself here? (don’t take that sexually).
This is supposed to be a time for change, exploration, breaking barriers, busting boundaries, and doing everything i’ve been holding myself back from doing. (Take that sexually, if you want.)
Clearly, when they say new york has everything, that means everything, including the drama.

Well it’s partly my fault. There will always be drama†. its part of being human. people are people and they react to things. You can’t change people [i learned this the hard way. yeah, the hard way.] But you CAN change your reaction to them. [no, it's really not easy, i don't care what you say.]
Alas, I have stopped dealing with bullshit/unnecessary and/or misplaced bitching/stupid drama/etc.
at the expense of friendship? shouldn’t be. did i react a little to extreme? probably.

So let’s talk a bit of specifics, since the drama’s in the details. and im all about communication when it comes to problems. did we communicate? hardly. should we? uh huh.
and that logic right there, my friends, may be the extent of my maturity. but i’ll be damned if it doesn’t place me higher than most of the people in this world. I talk when i have problems. i don’t walk away. [no. that wasnt an allusion to anything.] there’s more i can say on that philosophy but it’s not necessary here.

***
†drama. what an annoying, ugly word. Overused, generalized, and so devoid of any significant meaning (unless you’re talking about a theatrical work, etc.) it bothers me to rely on it so much here. But it is what it is.
***

ok back on track.

I’m a heartbreaker. What can i say? I know this. But I’ve had my fragile little organ [okay, i know you're giggling at that] {i was referring to my heart} played with [i just cant help myself] in all the wrong ways too many times. I’ve been affected by life. It takes time to figure shit out, put things in their place, apply the lessons you’ve learned the right way, the best way–and no, thats not something you can do without time, without conscious effort, and without screwing up a few times.
I’m slower than most people…i can’t jump right in and be the person i should be, or that you want me to be. patience may be an issue here. but perspective is definitely the issue.
And like i said before, I’m immature. Well, I’m mature…but only to an extent. I think i told someone that. and im one of those double-standard holding people. Do what i say, not what i do. my advice is sound, my actions, not so much. but im working on it. who said at 21 you had to be god’s gift to human morality? I’m working on it though, i swear I am.

this all my sound very broad and general, and it is. but thats my brain for you. so im going to try to take this train towards the specifics, like i told you i would.

to begin, a math lesson:
friend A>>> friend B >> M.Hal
is not true. bad equalities. ti-84 says wha?

let’s try another (who ever thought id use what i hate to do what i love?)

[(alcohol + strong emotions + conclusion jumping + [jealousy/jealousy]) + 2immaturity + (me)] = this weekend with emphasis on saturday night.

Why’d it happen? Let’s just start from the beginning. I know, im all over the place here. but that’s my style, yo.

The first thing ill say is that i dont believe that people can help what they feel. you don’t have control over your emotions. sometimes you dont have control over how you react to those emotions. some people are stronger than others, and can change their reactions faster and easier. I’m pretttyyy far from those people. Time takes care of it though. time, and time again. its like you’re falling down the Graph of Life. Its kinda like gravity…if it goes up, it must come down, and if it bounces, itll never get as high as the first bounce (thats..inertia?). thank you joosh barclay physics. ew

anywho, as i digress more and more…
you can’t help what you feel. so you feel it and it just FUCKS with you. all day and all night. and that, for better or for worse, is how it is. maybe, when i know certain things, say, how certain people are feeling, i should not let my feelings go unspoken. again, no one likes to be in that situation, no one likes exercising the balls/maturity that those conversations require. I’ve been on both ends. and neither one is fun. its the part of the graph where you’re falling for awhile, hoping you stop before you hit the x-axis. bad math joke? that wasn’t even a joke, was it? sorry.

ok here’s a list of things. totally out of context, but totally in context.

1. someone should have said “no i dont want to go.” preferably BEFORE the 1 am subway ride to the wrong side of town. my directional-bad, though, i think.

1a. im going on record here, and this will come back to haunt me, i know, but really, it wasnt that bad. i’d go back. :gasp: it could be a good time. ur not looking for your “Person B”, and if you are, you’re too young. it’s a party, but not half as bad as some stuff that does go on other places. it can be fun.

2. the ditching was mutual. i dont do bullshit. you made bullshit about something (see 1a, 3, and 4).

3. jealous? please. with a lil’ logic, numero uno above would have been the one-stop-shop for all your problem solving needs. and maybe some pre-planning. but mostly, some communicative lackings needed to be not lacked.

4. two aforementioned characters (A and B) could have been removed from the equation (i think thats the jealousy/jealousy) with a simple “no.”
4a. one of the above persons, yes, i did really want to see. im sorry, but im allowed.
4b. the other–honey you couldnt be more wrong in your assumptions if you assumed them in swahili.

5. I’m sorry about your deeply unfortunate, scary, and awful encounter. I should have been a better friend there. yeah, that was way wrong of me. But that’s why you shouldnt volunteer at homeless shelters, though.
5a. last sentence = joke.

6. try and talk? if you’re referring to that night, well i was pissed too. if you’re talking about the morning, i believe it was you who initiated the silence. like i said, ive learned to ignore bullshit. ill perfect that quality soon enough/never.

7. yeah, ive got priorities. not that what you said we’re mine, necessarily, but still, mine are different than yours. wanna fight about it? kayz.

8. it takes two, darling, two to live, two to love, and two to fight, among other things. its not all what “I” did so much as its what “you” did, as well. and sometimes i even think I’m being weak when i concede, but i suppose maybe that’s just a little more maturity than i thought i had.

9. congratulations on the subterranean confidence boost. Although, personally, i think meeting people on the subway is gross. i prefer the internet </sarcasm>? hmmm.

so that’s that. now on to a bit of personal reflection.

its funny how i find myself on the opposite end of things. that was so not meant to be sexual.
relationship-wise: you’re the pursuer, and the pursuee is just, playing along. its a mind fuck, even if they tell you its not. even if they think its not. even if you think its not. some shit just don’t work out, and that is the universal tautology in the philosophy of life. Why? Because. Acceptance is key…fighting is key, too, but time will eventually teach you to gauge the two. drill that into your godforsaken brains, people.

now, turn the tables. you’re the pursued. what do you do with the pursuer if you yourself dont know your own feelings. whats right to do, whats wrong to do, lets take the easy way out and do nothing. so often thats the case…or just lie. lead the person on. those last two are often, and understandably, seen as one and the same. although they are different if you ask each party in the situation.

but because you’re dealing with two different people, you’re not going to often have one-and-the-same. you’re going to have similar, related, relative, cooperative, supportive, and lots of other good -ive’s, etc. so, the key is understanding yourself. you have to do that first and foremost. the general problem with this, though, is that most people, at whatever age, don’t really understand themselves. again, life is for living. you’re lucky if you figure more than half of it out before time’s up. if you’d like to get into a “whats the meaning(s) of life” discussion, id appreciate if you’d spare me since its relatively frivolous (we’re living, deal with it), but more than likely i’d entertain the idea of such a conversation.
or, maybe its just a maturity issue. or a character issue. or how good you are at pretending? honestly i have know idea. again, Just Because. we know nothing. that probably has a negative connotation but i dont mean it as such. boggle your mind for a bit, bolster the intelligence of the human race, you will be thanked greatly.

so what is this all about? understanding.and perspective. that with a side of typical bullshit. naiveté. maturation. living. dealing. being. working. god i feel like this is straight out of a Rent song or something.

anyway, the point is…what’s the point? C’est La Vie.

i dont know. after reading through that, it doesnt seem like a fitting end. maybe thats just because its not the end? of some things at least. of others, maybe.

–

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Tags: acceptance, bad math, clubbing, conflict, drama, euphimism, Gay, Life, muggings, new york city, NYC, people, philosphy, problems, Relationships, Rush, solutions